Sunday, August 22, 2010

A message to movie-goers this weekend

Warning: there may be some profanity in this blog post.

You were warned.

Now look, I don't care if you went to see the Expendables. I have yet to see the film, but I want to see it eventually. No bad feelings towards all of you, you guys are ok. But now you have to see Scott Pilgrim, especially if you belong in my generation.

First of all, get over the fact that Michael Cera stars in this film, ok? He actually does a pretty good job playing Scott Pilgrim and he's really not as annoying as a lot of you make him out to be. Besides, there are so many great performances and appearances by other great actors that it all balances it out. Everyone in this film is funny and has their moment to shine.

If you can't see the film because of Michael Cera, then for the love of God, see it for Edgar Wright's masterful camera work and visual effects. Everything that Wright does works almost 100% of the time for the film and he starts the energetic fun off right away before you even get the chance to sit down in the movie theater.

Edgar Wright is one of the most talented filmmakers to come around in a long time and he works primarily in the comedy genre. Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are hilarious movies, but both are also very well-made. Technically, Scott Pilgrim trumps both films although they're all around the same level humor-wise. What I'm saying here is that Scott Pilgrim is the ideal cinema experience. A really funny film with awesome visuals. If you've ever played in a band before, if you've ever played video games before, if you ever been a fucking teenager before... you will like this film. Don't be an asshole and go see it before it loses its place in movie theaters around the country. The film is a gift for our generation and you're all unfairly ignoring it.

And you decide to see Vampires Suck this weekend instead. Really? Vampires Suck made $12.5 million this weekend. That's about $2 million more than what Scott Pilgrim made last weekend. So more of you saw Vampires Suck than you saw Scott Pilgrim last weekend? Both films are more-or-less aimed at our generation (or perhaps, in Vampires Suck's case, aimed at the lowest common denominator... which is our generation too) and you choose to see Vampires Suck.

Now please, enlighten me. Tell me what exactly is so appealing about Vampires Suck. Was it the name? Vampires Suck. That drew you in, didn't it? Cause you knew the movie would be about vampires but you also knew that the film would be really funny based on the extremely clever pun "vampires suck." You're a douchebag if you chose to see this film. This isn't a "hey man, that's my personal preference, you can't judge me based on my opinion, opinions can't be wrong..." No, they can be wrong when you choose to see this fucking movie over ANY other movie this weekend. What, in the world, gave you the idea that this movie would be any good? The jokes are absolutely awful, judging by the trailer. And this is from the people who made Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Have you not learned from those past mistakes? Do you not get that these movie's creators are the absolute worst in cinema? They don't even have any jokes in their films, they just reference something current in our pop culture and you're supposed to laugh because... it's there. Hey look, it's the people from Jersey Shore. Why is that funny? I don't know but... look it's them! Haha, I get it.... oh and there's Lady Gaga... and there's Alice from Alice in Wonderland... and maybe Miley Cyrus is in there too, I don't know.

You have to be a true retard to think any of that is funny. $12.5 million is way too much money for this film to make on its opening weekend. You all should know better. You have this other film at the same local multiplex called Scott Pilgrim that is funny, sharp, visually inventive and you choose Vampires Suck instead. Vampires Suck, a film that could've been made by 5th graders in their backyard.

Fuck you. Seriously, I hate you. You have absolutely no taste if you went to see Vampires Suck. If you're under the age of 12, then I hate the parents who let you see such a shit film. Parents, come on. I would've rather my kid see Pirahna 3D than Vampires Suck. At least Pirahna 3D isn't an absolute insult to anyone who has a real sense of humor.

Vampires Suck has absolutely zero star power, it's a "comedy" with absolutely zero jokes, and the creators of the film has made a handful of equally awful films in the past few years. How is it that it opened at 2nd place this weekend? Why are you doing this? Why are you giving these filmmakers an excuse to keep making these movies?

People complain about the state of movies of recent years and how the Academy Awards are "out of touch" with everyone's current taste. Well let me be the one who personally thanks the Academy for being that way. You want an award show that caters to your taste, go watch the fucking MTV Movie Awards, you mindless pieces of shit. And then when you're done with that, go watch Vampires Suck again. Just remember that you're the reason why we can't have nice things. You're the reason why everything sucks.

Thank you for your contributions to society, I hope you rot in hell.

Once again, this is only for those who saw Vampires Suck. Everyone else, we're cool.

Kenneth G.

1 comment:

Just Lurking said...

C'mon, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel about "Vampire Sucks".